tonight he told me dec 30th he is leaving no matter what

it's over and won't be able to find him

my heart cannot take it

i said i was still in love and he said who gives a fuck-

I really feel pathetic .

I don't want to feel that way.  I do not think anyone wants to wake up and become this sad head case trying to win back their spouse from someone they chat with online.

 I wanted my marriage to work . I did not spend the last 9 years with the man to be tossed aside... I thought we were ok... as ok as I knew we were together. 

We made love a couple of weeks ago, we kissed eachother goodnight and goodbye in the morning, said I love you on the phone before we hung up ...

Then this online Poker shit on most servers such as Myspace, Bebo, Facebook to name a few... Ok fine .

But then some of those Poker buddies became more and online...

Then the Live Windows and the chatting began.... he would minimize the window everytime I would walk in .

And it would look as if the Poker site was still up.

I would ask and he would reply none of your fucking business Donna , that is why I can't stay with you .

I am confused here ... So some chick is complaing that she is lonely and will give him the world ...He is using that once used politeness on me of  that sweet boy bull shit.

I have hung in there when he was not working , when he needed a friend... when he needed a lover ...

He said he would leave packing his bag .... suddenly his I love you stopped last week , I ask for a hug and he says "get the fuck away from me" ...

He said he will delete me off of facebook and myspace ... so I cannot see all the mesages that "his woman friends leave him" ...

I know the easiest thing for anyone reading this to say to me ... Girl , get a divorce, you can get another man ,,, bla bla bla . I have heard it all . 

Little problem here . I still love my husband , I miss him . I am going for a biopsy tomorrow. I asked him if he can come with me and he did not want to .

I know my marriage is over , I cannot accpet that . I am so hurt deep inside . I love him so much . he was my best friend. 

All night I cannot sleep because I hear the keyboard tap tap tap tap and I close the bedroom door not hear it but I know he is chatting with either Susie , Ruthy , Sandie .....

I know I have little dignity here ....

The funniest thing is this morning he said to me " go fuck yourself you  whore!"

I have never cheated on him . I do not chat online from 9pm to 4:30am every day and night

and the best yet is he sets the alarm clock to take naps and wake up because they tell him when they are coming back online.

So please tell me someone here that I am not nuts for feeling the way I do ?

turned 41 last month

i thought i would have a baby by now....

thought that everything would get better

now anything i say or do makes him angry

he rather chat online and play poker with other people

i used to be his best friend-

now i am not

feel lost

feel empty

i say lets watch tv or be intimate

he says " don't feel like it"

i thought... is it me?

i asked are you still in love with me...his answer I don't know

now I am so sad , nowhere to go anymore

just empty.

my parents are long gone.

i don't see my sibs much once or twice a year

i work, come home eat go to bed... and do it all again

wondering what i did or didn't do ....to make this happen

other woman online "understand" him-

9 years of me sticking in there with him

undertsand when he did not work and I had to get extra hours at work to get through the week

then we married 3 years ago

he started working-  but resented me ....

bills piled up -

fights started

i am lonely

i need my best friend back

back before he was unemployed,

back when he hung on my every word and defended my honor

i can't do this over and over again

i pray but it seems god does not hear me-

i ask for it to get better

and it gets worse -

why ?

i am not a bad person-

really ... i swear .

just a 40 plus year old who wants to feel love feel alive again

is it me?

is this normal ?

is there a secret to fixing this mess?

should i let go ?

become that crazy cat lady who knits mittens for strangers ?

what the hell is going on?